Gridlock


This week we learned about Gridlock.  Gridlock is when couples have the same argument over and over again without resolution.  For example, He wants children, she doesn’t.  She wants to go to church, he doesn’t believe in God.  Gridlock causes compromise to be impossible. 
When I’ve seen friends in Gridlock (which most of the time lead to divorce) I kind of thought—get over it!  Is this really worth your marriage?!  But my husband and I haven’t ever really gone through Gridlock.  We are able to talk about our issues and if one of us feels more strongly about something, we’re able to support the other.  (especially when it comes to raising children)  We’ve been lucky!
According to John M. Gottman, you’ve reached gridlock if:
1. You’ve had the same argument over and over without resolution.
2. Neither of you can address the situation with humor, empathy or affection.
3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it means you’d be selling out—giving up something important to your core values or sense of self.
The best way approach to coping with gridlock is to avoid it all together.  Yet, isn’t always possible.  A way to help it happening is be on the lookout for the little things.  The little times you’ve miss each other’s needs. 
You don’t have to solve your problem to get over gridlock.  Its best to talk about the situation without hurting each other.  Couples need to be aware of each other’s dreams (hopes and aspirations) Gridlock typically comes from not sharing or acknowledging the other’s dreams. 
Getting over gridlock can take time.  Its not a quick fix.  Here are some steps to do if you need help:
Step 1: Explore the Dreams
                Write out your explanation of the problem.  DO NOT bad mouth your spouse.  Then talk about it.  Take 15 minutes each one is the talker the other is the listener.  Your goal is to understand where the other is coming from.  Really work on not judging!
Step 2: Soothe
                Do not get upset!  If you start to get upset and emotion is running the conversation, take a break.
Step 3: Compromise
                Here’s where you come up with a compromise and keep working on talking about it in a very amicable way.  


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